Republican Debate Prop Bets to Finance Your Last-Minute Holiday Shopping

I hope you ignored my bad and wrong takes and took Ted Cruz at +1000 odds to win the GOP nomination back in October, because if so, the latest buzz probably has you feeling pretty good about yourself right now! So why not ride that wave of sweet, sweet, totally not addictive endorphins and put those projected winnings to work in tonight’s debate?

Money line: Sad Jeb Bush

  • Jeb Bush apologizes for Ryan Tannehill’s latest performance: +250
  • Jeb Bush stops mid-sentence to check his Twitter mentions, and then, crestfallen, abruptly stops talking: +500
  • Jeb Bush visibly gives up hope mid-debate, ends campaign, walks off stage: +1000
  • Jeb Bush visibly gives up hope mid-debate, ends campaign, stays on stage, opens beer: +2000
  • Jeb Bush visibly gives up hope mid-debate, ends campaign, stays on stage, opens beers, perches jauntily on podium and heckles Rand Paul for remainder of event: +4000

Money line: policy positions and/or food

  • Candidate cites recent warm weather on East Coast when opposing recent global pact on global warming and climate change: -1000
  • Candidate polling at less than five percent, in desperation, expresses support for Donald Trump’s plan to ban Muslims: +350
  • Candidate, stylizing his/her actions as “just asking questions,” posits that more people carrying guns in Paris would have stopped the terrorist attacks sooner: +400
  • Candidate other than Ben Carson sarcastically discusses favorite hummus brands while answering foreign policy question: +550
  • Donald Trump makes a Dark Knight-style pledge to drop out of race and make a third-party run unless Reince Priebus within 24 hours pledges on Twitter that there will be no brokered convention: +600
  • Chris Christie happily produces hot dog from pocket, eats it: +900

Money line: lows and lows

  • Unexpected and certainly unwelcome Don Lemon cameo: +150
  • Any candidate in the undercard debate nods off: +250
  • Ben Carson nods off: +350
  • Moderator Wolf Blitzer nods off: +800

Money line: Long shots to think about

  • Assertion that specific Founding Fathers really would not have much cared for Muslims anyway: +5000
  • Ben Carson attributes falling poll numbers to disturbance in the Force: +10,000
  • Anyone has the courage to ask Donald Trump if it’s at all problematic that people keep showing up to his events, offering Nazi salutes, and attacking black people: +100,000

Miscellaneous over/under:

  • Enthusiastic Ted Cruz fanboy references to Star Wars: 1.5
  • Camera shots capturing Carly Fiorina blinking in a human-like manner: 1.5
  • Rand Paul shouts about something; no one listens; microphone is eventually cut off: 2.5
  • Non sequitur invocations of Hitler or Nazi Germany: 3
  • Marco Rubio references to his Castro-escaping (???) Cuban parents while discussing a policy position that has absolutely nothing to do with Castro, Cuba, escapes, or his parents: 3.5
  • Greatest number of words that John Kasich manages at any point during the night before being interrupted: 12.5

Futures: Consensus debate winner

  • Cruz 4:3
  • Rubio 2:1
  • Trump 5:1
  • Carson 12:1
  • Anyone else not named Jeb Bush: 200:1
  • Bush 10,000:1

Spend wisely, friends!

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