It’s a weird rush you get when you sign up for a web-based service and the moment of truth finally arrives: you’re prompted to pick. your. user name. You take an abbreviated sharp breath and enter it quickly , as if the speed with which you type will convey your nonchalance to all the Internet and demonstrate that you, like, hadn’t even thought about it and don’t care at all, or whatever, and you hit the “Submit” button, and time stops for a second, and then HELL YEAH the green check mark shows up! This user name is available. And suddenly, before you’ve even had the chance to send an actual email or hashtag a post or swipe freely to the right, you’re already kind of validated. No one else has has the singularly brilliant, clever name that you’ve always coveted and/or came up with in the last 30 seconds while you looked at other open windows on your desktop. You feel a profound sense of pioneering genius. This is yours, you creative icon. You are an Alexander Graham Bell of your email provider, a Steve Jobs of your food blog, a modern-day Lewis & Clark of clever Xanga handles. Soak this moment in, friend. You’ve earned it.
Now that that’s out of the way, please see below for a well-written, helpful FAQ about the projected contents of this site.
Q: Who are you?
A: I’m Jay. I’m a West Coast kid turned into a big-firm lawyer in one of the several gigantic East Coat cities that are connected by Amtrak and share equally intolerable winters and summers. My primary interests include, but are not limited to: basketball, men’s clothing, orange juice with extra pulp, the Seattle Seahawks, politics, city planning and urban government, the “Cruise” remix, and creamy peanut butter.
Q: Why are you writing?
A: I’ve always loved writing, and while I get to do a good lot of it as a lawyer, I haven’t yet been able to successfully weave my Unified Theory of Taylor Swift into the legal memoranda that my job requires me to write. This is a space for critically important things like that that.
Q: This sound like a stupid waste of my time.
A: That’s not a question.
Q: Dick. Will this be any good?
A: Hey, probably not! But I’ll try pretty hard and stuff, and hopefully I’ll get better, and if you don’t like it then you’ll probably stop reading anyway, but if you stick with it then you can say you knew me before I made it, Kevin Rudolph-style, and paid to have the “.wordpress” taken out of the URL.
Q: So if it might not be any good, why exactly should I spend my time reading this again?
A: Seriously, I got nothing.
Q: Will there be cursing?
A: I can’t say for sure, but it’s likely. Sorry, Mom.
Q: What is a representative sampling of topics you plan on covering in this space?
A: Thank you for asking. Topics currently under consideration include:
- My irrational and comically hyperoptimistic thoughts on anything the Seahawks do;
- Purportedly objective, detailed thinkpieces on what are in fact my highly subjective, idiosyncratic opinions on men’s clothing;
- Concrete evidence demonstrating that Taylor Swift is better than Katy Perry and, to be honest, it’s not even close;
- Probably some stuff on politics and world events if and when I on time to do enough research into a topic without running a serious risk of coming off like an idiot when writing it;
- Thoughts on why Ke$ha is the smartest musical artist of her generation;
- Vitriolic and poorly proofraed aALLCAPS POSTS about how much it upsets me that the Seattle Sonics no longer exist;
- Tim Riggins fanfiction in iambic pentameter;
- Why I think Millenials will actually be really good for this country and the world we live in once we make it through the Snapchat phase;
- The exact moment when I realized that I would never be truly in touch with what’s cool again, and that pop culture would soldier on without me completely unaffected by and oblivious to my absence, and that I was OK with all of that that (spoiler, it was actually the first time I heard “Fancy”);
- Maybe some stuff about the law, but then again maybe not because I do that all the time anyway, and again, that’s also OK;
- Reviews of movies you’ve seen a dozen times but I haven’t because I am terrible at watching movies and my mom didn’t let me see rated-R movies until I was 15;
- Other hilarious things my mom and dad do;
My list of the top ten scariest NFL players(jk Ray Lewis was #1 and then he took spots #2-10 by force so I scratched that right quick;
- Diary entries where I inappropriately share all my feelings and briefly forget I’m writing in a public forum but then I leave it up anyway in the name of artistic integrity and/or being sensitive and unafraid of being in touch with my emotions (we call this artistic movement “Drakism”); and
- Easy avocado-based recipes. Probably also in iambic pentameter.
Thanks for your time, and that’s all the time we have for questions today. The way my commitment to previous writing projects has gone, see you in 2017.